The Lucky Hat

E. J. Ryan

Once when walking on a heath
I saw a hat and looked beneath
Imagine when, to my surprise,
I realised it was my size
and so I placed it on my head
remembering words, somebody said,
an old adage perhaps you’ve heard it,
“If the cap fits then you must wear it.”
As I continued on my course
a voice called out from an unknown source,
“Hey you,” it cried, “bring back that hat,
I’ll have it known I paid for that!”
The comment stopped me in my tracks
and I turned in order to look back,
I could not tell initially
just who it was addressing me.
“Here I am, look down,” he said.
I looked and saw a man’s bare head.
“Don’t stare, it’s rude,” Head declared.
But I ignored him, and well.. just stared.
“I’m sorry sir,” I blurted out,
“I’ve never seen a head before without...”
“Without body, arm or limb...?”
“To say the least,” I said to him.
“It’s not the normal thing you know
to meet a head without a torso.
You will admit it’s quite disarming...
Please, forgive the pun, I meant.. alarming.
Where is the rest of you I asked?”
He looked up at me somewhat aghast.
Then launched upon a sorry tale
I must confess I turned quite pale.
“My left arm I lost, I’m ashamed to say,
when I fell asleep, while making hay.
The right, and here I will be candid,
I lost when playing with a one armed bandit.
Both legs I lost by the oddest chance
when the floor collapsed at a ceili dance.
My trunk was taken by my wife,
who’s gone on holiday to Tenerife.”
Now,
that’s what’s known as poetic licence
please don’t confuse it with reticence.
I know some words sound kinda crummy,
to understand them, ask Daddy or Mummy.
Please forgive this small diversion
I only wished to avoid confusion.
Now let me get back to where I was
concerning Head and the hat because
I cannot take up all of your day
there are other readers want their say.
I oughtn’t really have inquired
but my curiosity was inspired,
and so I asked,
in all creation,
how Head came to that location.
Head said, he tongued a lift so far
from the driver of a jaunting car
and since the rest was all downhill
he’d rolled along the path until,
unwittingly,
he’d hit a stump
and gave himself a nasty bump.
“On coming round,” he said to me,
“to add insult to major injury,
I find you wearing my lucky hat,
now what have you to say to that?”
I humbly apologised to Head,
“I did not know it was yours”, I said.
“O what piffle sir for as to that
“why each bare head must have a hat.
For every bonce upon the planet
there’s a cap, a beret or a bonnet.
You are wearing my lucky hat.”
Well I had no argument for that.
So taking it at by it’s broad brim
I placed his hat right back on him.
Head thanked me and said, “ adieu,”
I nodded back and then withdrew.
But as I continued on my way
I heard Head sing a little lay.

“I wear a hat,
To me it’s a boon,
I won’t take it off,
anytime soon,
not anytime soon.

Chorus;
It makes me warm,
It keeps me dry,
It shades me from,
The sun up high.”

Good people now I end my story
and though it may, to you, sound gory
how fate had left ‘Head’ much depleted
still he remained quite undefeated.
Remember this important thing,
Life’s less tragic with a song to sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Job

The Job.

E.J. Ryan


When a job needs doing,
it’s better it be done
with expediency,
“A stitch in time saves nine”.
But that does not mean to say,
that you should rush in any way,
for rushing,
never saves you time.
First spend an hour or two,
thinking over what to do,
read directions, study plans’,
lay out all the things you’ll need,
and remember that,
“More hurry means less speed”.
You should select your tools with care,
find an overalls to wear,
a pair of gloves will help you cope,
to say nothing of the soap,
that you’ll save,
if the job in hand is anything but clean.
There should be a first-aid kit,
where you can get at it,
nice and handy,
should there be a slip or two.
It should contain a plaster cast
and a few elastoplasts,
not forgetting,
cotton wool and iodine.
Now if something should be seized,
like when corrosion makes it ridged,
uncooperative,
like someone dour and frigid,
then chose from off the bench,
a snug, tight fitting wrench,
and a hammer,
just in case it needs persuading.
Using penetrating fluid,
on a nut to be unscrewed,
I am told,
is quite the thing to do.
But should all your efforts fail,
and your thoughts begin to stale,
call an expert in to do the job for you.
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